How Did You Spring from My Loins?

I’m not sure how many times my father has asked me that question, but it’s been more than once. Usually when he says this, we are surrounded by wilderness, and I am wearing some kind of ballet flats. My thought in response is usually, “I must be adopted.” How else could you explain the fact that the man who is responsible for 50% of my DNA thinks spending 12 hours driving around in the mountains and counting elk is a good way to spend a Saturday. You may ask, how did you end up in this situation, Leah? You could easily have said you would prefer to stay in the city. And I will say, it’s all semantics. He says, we’re taking your grandparents to Estes Park. I think, ahh.. a cute little mountain town, what a lovely way to spend a Saturday morning. Drinking coffee, window shopping, enjoying the few elk that wander into town from nearby Rocky Mountain National Park. For him, “taking your grandparents to Estes Park” held entirely different connotations. On the way up, he says, “We don’t have a plan for today. I just want to swing by the National Park.” Uh oh. This from a man who was a Pre-Med biology major in hopes that it would lead to a career counting Elk for as a Forest Ranger. Of course he dropped out and became a ski bum, but that’s another story altogether. The man is hoping for the downfall of civilization so he can “live off the land.” You should have seen the excitement before Y2K. Put this man behind the wheel near a national park… I should have known. 12 hours later I am grumpy and carsick (going through the winding curves quickly reminds him of skiing, of course!), and I am dropped off at my apartment with a renewed dislike of the outdoors.

Here are the reasons I prefer to enjoy nature from a distance:

1) Nature Lovers: Tivas. Camelbacks. Ratty Hair. Metal water bottles. Cheeks flushed from exertion. Why must enjoying the outdoors make you look so unkempt? You’re still in public, people. This is why I’m moving to France. I think they really get this.

2) Tourists: The even worse kind of nature lovers. Brand new tennis shoes. Fannie packs. Cameras. Cheap plastic water bottles. They have the aura of newly retired travelers. They will ALWAYS pull over to the side of the road to see the elk. If they’re anything like my mom, they will practice their elk mating call, to your disgust.

3) Element Exposure: No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS be slightly uncomfortable in nature. Too hot, too cold, too windy, too dry, too wet. The worst, and I am confident this exists only at high altitude, is when you are being simultaneously burnt by the sun and pummeled by freezing winds blowing off a serene mountain lake. Picturesque, yes, but always uncomfortable. That rock will never make a comfortable seat, even if you are lucky enough to find a slightly chair-shaped boulder. The sun will either be blinding you, or you will be trying to eat by the light of your cell phone. You can never take your shoes off. Just not worth it when there are so many things to occupy your time indoors, where there is temperature control and lamps.

4) The animal kingdom (usually the bug kingdom). I heard once that there are 150 bugs per square foot in nature. I don’t remember where I heard that, but I’m willing to go with my gut and trust them on this one. How can I enjoy God’s beautiful creation when there is a bug climbing on Grandma’s glasses? I’m always on the lookout. I know if I let my guard down they will climb into my mouth and I will accidentally swallow them. If you’re lucky enough to see a real animal, it will usually end up in an argument over whether it is a squirrel or a chipmunk.

Oh, give me the great indoors.